Posts

Sleep

Sleep 26.3.17 Every nap I get, every peaceful, restful one is a win. I feel like I’m catching up on years of horrendous non-sleep. I’ve actually been sleeping this last month, no morning anxiety for the most part, a couple here and there but a minority. Also no panic attacks in the middle of the night the past few weeks. And then my rests in the day make me sleepy happy and don’t seem to be affecting sleep at night. They’re like little restful jewels only for me. I have a bit more energy during the day that I actually don’t always feel like a nap, but I still sometimes do. It takes a while for my brain to stop ticking over so quickly, sometimes even an hour but then I drop down and I’M NOT AFRAID.
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31-10-12

'I woke in the middle of the night, last night A well of sadness in my chest I think I whimpered, I may have cried, The dream still before my eyes. I fell in to sleep again And awoke ok.'
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Hunger

26.7.14 I’m hungry for energy, not food. For natural I-don’t-have-to-do-anything vital life force to pump through me. I’m hungry for touch, affection, arousal, meaningfulness, connection, arousal. Not food. (you said arousal twice) I feel deeply loved I feel peaceful I enjoy caring for myself I return to my body
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Diagnosis

July 2014 Major Depressive Disorder Clinical Depression Treatment-Resistant Depression Intractable Depression
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The Only Poem

The Only Poem This is the only poem I can read I am the only one can write it I didn’t kill myself when things went wrong I didn’t turn to drugs or teaching I tried to sleep but when I couldn’t sleep I learned to write I learned to write what might be read on nights like this by one like me. — Leonard Cohen
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